What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 00:49
Who then, do I blame.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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He knew the spot.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Put me off passion for life!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was scared of men, in general
And i lived it daily.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She found it foreign!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What did i know ?
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I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We all went to grammer schools
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot live in the past .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I have no regrets .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So whats the point in blame.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I don,t even have a pension.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So, i spoilt her more .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is soul school!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I will be 64.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I think the readers, may guess!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)